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Is There A Santa Claus?

We take pleasure in answering since it wasn’t tl;dr, the formspring submission below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of Santa Paul:

“DEAR SANTA PAUL: I am 403 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“People say, ‘If you see it in THE TUBES it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?


VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They believe Pics Or It Didn’t Happen. They think that nothing can be which is not google-able by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be adults’ or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours humanity is a mere insect, a bedbug, in its intellect, as compared with the boundless world about us, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of wikipedia and wikileaks.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and kickstarter and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. WTF! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no TUMBLRS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no slashfic to make tolerable this interwebz. We should have no enjoyment, except in hulu and youtube. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be 4chan’d.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in Harry Potter! You might get your muggles to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor tweeps can see. Did you ever see a Nielsen Family? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or mythbust all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the double rainbow and see what makes it so intense, but there is a veil all the way across the sky which not the strongest meme, nor even the united strength of all the strongest memes that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, vimeo, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. What does this mean? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else so bright, so vivid.

No Santa Claus! ZOMG! Thank Ceiling Cat! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Read the original article on which this parody is based.

About Paul Roth

A vegetarian, agnostic, lindy-hopping, dog-loving tv-watcher who likes to read his own words.
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